I BETRAYED MYSELF FOR DECADES
COMPROMISING AND PEOPLE PLEASING IS NOT THE ANSWER
Looking back, I can see that my whole life has been one great big endless search for freedom. Where most people want money, popularity, to be loved or happiness, I’ve only ever wanted freedom.
With the intensity and relentlessness of a bloodhound on a trail, I searched for it leaving no stone unturned. I searched deeply, diligently and obsessively but I was searching in all the wrong places, so I was unsuccessful.
Over time I learned that freedom couldn’t be found in a beautiful relationship, in a magnificent house, in a satisfying career or even in living my life’s purpose. I can’t tell you how or where I found it, I doubt it was due to one pin pointable thing, but I did find it, so I called off the exhausting and desperate search. What a relief that was. Like crossing the finish line of a marathon, I felt it was a huge achievement. I felt strong, proud and relaxed into life.
The freedom I gained and feel blessed to experience everyday is EVERYTHING I imagined it would be; only more.
In truth, I didn’t quite realise what I wanted freedom FROM, but I now see that what I longed, yearned and ached for was the freedom to be me.
Plain and simple. I just wanted to be able to be me at all times, in all circumstances.
But it wasn’t that easy. For much of my life, I simply couldn’t. Looking back, I can see that I compromised so much of my life and myself to fit in, to be good, to be nice, to do the right thing and to make sure I didn’t put myself in harms way. I contorted myself to stay safe. I did so much bending, accommodating, compromising, sacrificing and shape shifting to be accepted. Just to ensure I was liked.
I don’t know what made me thought I could actually control another person’s perspective or feelings about me, but I compromised WAY too much regardless. I gave up so much of myself that I feel like a prostitute selling myself for attention, affection, approval and safety.
And when I wasn’t changing who I am, I was hiding, suppressing and agreeing to do things I didn’t want to do. This was a complete abandonment of me. Of who I am. I couldn’t stand up for me, for my needs, for my right to exist as I am. An utter self betrayal.
Thinking about the ways I compromised and betrayed myself makes me want to cry. It’s so incredibly sad that I never felt safe enough to be me.
The path to myself has been long and arduous, but now I’m most definitely doing me. And this new found freedom has allowed me to release deeply held insecurities, weaknesses, not good enoughness and unworthiness. All the crap, shame and lies that were forcing me to bend and feel less than are no longer dominating and forcing me to live from a place of fear, defense and self preservation.
Without being shackled to the heavy weight of past programming, I can finally breathe. I can finally stand tall, be seen and just be me.
As a bonus, I’ve stopped over compensating for the faults and flaws I’ve spent my whole life trying to hide. I’ve stopped feeling small, defensive and stopped trying to outrun my shame and pain.
Like prison doors finally opening to the outside world, this is incredibly liberating. And it feels every bit as good as I thought it would. But the best part about finding freedom (that I didn’t expect) is that I’m no longer a people pleaser.
The sad thing about us people pleasers is that we labour under the misapprehension that we were put on earth to tend to others. We put others before ourselves. But the belief that that is necessary, is total crap. That’s just programmed nonsense and insecurity talking. There is absolutely no need to operate that way, unless we choose to. No one forces us to be people pleasers. And it only requires a decision to stop.
My false beliefs that led me to people pleasing have now lifted and I see just how dirty my lens was, however, I’ve cleaned it up real nice now and my perspective is extremely clear.
I now realise how wrong I had it, and as an ex people pleaser, this is now my truth.
I am under no obligation to:
- meet other people’s needs
- meet other people’s expectations
- be who they want me to be
- explain myself
- fit in
- be pleasant
- be agreeable
- be accommodating
- fix things, make things right
- smile, be happy, be strong
- do the ‘right’ thing
- make sense and be understood
Don’t get me wrong, these things in and of themselves are not wrong or bad. But when I was doing those things, it was sucking the life out of me. What I didn’t realise was the false beliefs that were driving that behaviour. They were crippling me. They were sitting beneath the surface forcing me into prostitution, paralyzing me and restricting my sense of self and freedom.
But I’ve finally plumbed the depths of my psyche and found the offending false and limiting beliefs that kept me shackled to fear, dogma and indoctrination. I finally ripped out those suffocating roots and I can now breathe, and be who I choose to be, rather than who I was told I must be.
My point is: We have to stop betraying ourselves. We don’t have to be what other people want us to be. We don’t have to be interesting or agreeable or entertaining or charming or sweet. We don’t have to be sociable or extroverted. Nor do we have to tone ourselves down, quiet our voice, or hide our feelings. We don’t have to be outgoing, thin or beautiful or anyone’s definition of attractive.
We just don’t have to be anyone other than who we authentically are. And we sure as hell don’t have to spend our time and energy trying to convince people that we’re worth keeping around. The right people are going to recognize our worth. They’re going to respect us, appreciate us and accept us, without forcing us to compromise who we are. Life is too short, and our freedom is far too important to make room for anyone who treats us otherwise.
But more importantly, than standing up to others who treat us poorly, we have to stop it too. We have to stop betraying us.